


Aliens Ate My Baby

by ExiledDuke (PersonalSpin)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Because the author thinks she's funny, Direct game quotes, Gen, Seth Green injokes, Snark is how Joker shows he cares, fem!Shep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2012-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:14:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersonalSpin/pseuds/ExiledDuke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joker likes to complain -- luckily for him, Shepard likes to play along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aliens Ate My Baby

Joker swung his chair around to level Shepard with his most insincere look of delight. “Oh, another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can’t you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?” He looked so miserable, he could have broken Shepard’s heart.  
  
“Why, have you got a problem with the people I’m recruiting, Joker?” she asked, crossing her arms and grinning; he was always funny when he had something to whinge about.  
  
“No, of course not! They’re all such fun, sunny people.” He started counting off his fingers. “Except Grunt, who was born in a tank and likes killing things, and Garrus, who took a rocket to the face and it only made him angrier, and Mordin, who’d as soon shoot a man as bandage him, and Thane and Samara, who’ll just shoot him and not feel even a little guilty.”  
  
“You forgot Tali,” Shepard said, and Joker threw his hands into the air melodramatically.  
  
“There’s so many of them I’m losing track! Watch out for her, Commander; she’s cute but deadly, like that varren that likes to follow you down on Tuchanka.” At Shepard’s widening smirk he sighed. “Whatever, it’s your call, but if one of them starts chewing on the wiring I’m sending you.”  
  
“We don’t have rats in the hold, Joker,” she said, “We’ve—“  
  
“Several blood-thirsty and psychotic people, yeah, thanks for reminding me.”  
  
“Jack and Zaeed are human, you know,” she said, and the face Joker pulled was an awe-inspiring mix of horror and amusement.  
  
“Yeah, well, it’s only fair every race gets an equal showing in the crazy. We’re like the Citadel, except we’re far more likely to kill each other. Although,” he added as an afterthought, looking up at Shepard and doing very little to disguise his shit-eating grin, “if you keep going the way you’re headed, that turian Councilor is gonna start sending people after us. When that happens, Shepard, I’m drawing the line. I’m out.”  
  
Shepard hummed thoughtfully, looking up like she was contemplating the ceiling of the cockpit. “I think you may have a point, Joker. With the possibility of assassins sent by the Council though, Tali’Zorah ‘like a varren’ vas Neema is probably the least of our worries, don’t you agree?”  
  
“With all due respect, Commander, I don’t trust anything if I can’t see their eyes.” He gestured at his face then glanced at the AI terminal beside him. “It’s part of the reason I don’t trust it.”  
  
“On the contrary, Mr Moreau,” EDI said, loading up and sounding almost irritated, “I have many eyes. The sensors Cerberus installed all over the Normandy perform the same function, only with far greater efficiency as I can see every part of the ship at once.”  
  
“See, Commander? It’s only a matter of time before it replaces us all with robots!”  
  
“I’ll let you two get back to work then,” Shepard said, stepping back a bit. Joker rolled his eyes.  
  
“Sure, don’t take me seriously. Just you wait, EDI’s looking for a chance to get rid of us all, I know it,” he muttered irritably as his chair swivelled back round to the bow.


End file.
